Happy first day of Spring! Today’s post is a very heavy one because we’re talking all about depression. I do see the irony in me saying ‘Happy first day of Spring’ followed by me saying this post is dedicated to depression. This post is divided into two parts: my personal journey through depression and how I employ my personal definition of renewal in the mind and soul to keep my mind and soul in the happy place.

I usually never add disclaimers or warnings, but the content of this post warrants one. If you are easily triggered, then you might want to skip this. We’re getting real deep today on my personal struggles! This is also an extremely long post, so hold on!

My Journey Through Depression

I often think there is a misconception that if you weren’t treated for something or if you “didn’t have it as bad”, then somehow your personal struggles are not valid. Let me be the first person to say that even if someone else struggles more than you, your struggle and your journey is still 100% valid. There’s no threshold for something like depression or anxiety. If you have it, then you have it.

My struggle with depression started in middle school. To this day, only my boyfriend is the only one that knew the full extent of how bad it got, although I’m sure that some of my mom and my closest friends may have had an inkling. My depression was what you might call a “smiling depression”. Sometime over the course of my freshman year in high school, I had perfected the ability to be able to function and act as a normal teenager, but internally, I felt dead.

My feelings stemmed from feeling inadequate at everything I did. As a child beginning first grade, I had to get As (my A- was unacceptable) in school. I had to be the perfect child; excel at sports, excel at school, go to Church, and be good to my parents. It hit a breaking point when I was in middle school, and that was when my first downward spiral began. When you’re constantly told that you’re a waste of money and a failure, you start to believe that these things are true about yourself. That was exactly what I did. Skip a few years, it took several hard conversations for me to unlearn what I was constantly told, that I wasn’t a waste and that I wasn’t a failure.

The journey of accepting your worthiness for happiness, accepting your self-worth, and accepting that you are magnificent human being is extremely specific. Some people go to therapy, and some people choose to forego therapy. Personally, I’m 110% sure that therapy would have helped my process of accepting my self-worth. However, when I sought after support from counseling at school, there was no support to be found.

In the more recent years, we are so lucky that the stigma of mental health paired with the Times Up movement have started to tear down the invisible walls that blocked any form of dialogue around difficult discussions regarding depression, anxiety, sexual assault, and more. What happened before we all started to have this dialogue as a society is that so many of us were left feeling alone. The truth is that back then, it was ugly to talk about depression and anxiety. Thus, I was left alone, and my journey towards accepting my self-worth took me 8 years, and it has been 2 years since my last downward spiral.

Renewal of the Mind and Soul

First, my definition of a renewal when it comes to our mind and soul is a movement within you that allows you to believe in your personal worthiness, shed all forms of negativity, and motivates you to become a better version of yourself.

We always say “positive vibes only”, but what does that really mean? How do we actually have positive vibes only? The idea of a  constant cycle renewal of our mind and soul is my way of ensuring that I am actually constantly remaining positive and maintain a bright outlook of the future. To me, my default is to think that I am not good enough or to accept negative comments made about me, or to be lazy and think that I can’t improve. This sort of thinking has roots in my battle with depression and general bad habits that I have accrued overtime.

When I remind myself to believe in my personal self-worth, to remove any and all negativity from my life, and to remind myself that there is always something new that I can learn, I become a better version of myself. I have become Claire 2.0 with this thinking, and me saying goodbye to my negative self demonstrates this concept of renewal.

I want to give you all an example of how I actually use this thinking in my life.

During this past weekend, I had a complete breakdown. I hate(d)my job, financial troubles was giving me severe anxiety, a friend had blown something out of proportion, and to top it all off, I was having cabin fever by not having left New York City for 3 months. All of the stress came pouring out, and I just sat on my floor and cried. I cried and vented and cried some more to my boyfriend, blubbering about how I don’t feel appreciated at my job, how I don’t feel as though my parents appreciate the fact that I have supported myself independently since graduation, how I am a good friend, and how I even find time on top of blogging and my full time job to participate in philanthropy work and high school mentoring.

I did stop crying after about an hour and took a shower feeling thoroughly depressed. While I was in the shower feeling bad for myself, I remembered all of the times when we would say “positive vibes only” and used this concept of renewing my mind. One deep breath later, I had hit the mental reset button. I got out of the shower feeling better than normal, realizing that I do so much in my life to give back to my body, my community (online and physical), my family, and my friends.

I work so hard to give back all of the blessings that I have received, and while I have no qualms about doing so, that also meant that I deserved getting a little break. If someone was going to tear me down from that place of happiness, then I don’t need it. That is unnecessary drama in my life that can find another home.

In the end of the day, the idea of renewing our minds and our souls doesn’t have to be something extravagant like taking a spa day or a vacation. It’s all about the power of your mind to tell yourself that you are worth it. And if you don’t have that power at that moment, then that is what friends, family, and your equivalent of SoulCycle classes are for (SoulCycle classes are how I take out my frustration at the end of each day). Lean on your friends and your family to give you the strength you need, and find a hobby on the side that allows you to take out your frustration or shut your mind from the negativity.

This was a scary post to write, and I felt so vulnerable opening up. Now, however, we have reached the end, and I feel like a weight has been taken off my shoulder. I hope that this has helped you in some way, even if it is to let you know that you are not alone. Like Kim Possible said, call me or DM me at any time if you need me. I’ll be there for you, so reach out to me!

I love you all, and remember that you are a FANTASTIC and MAGNIFICENT human being!