Self-love isn’t a power button that you can switch on and off. There’s no finish line saying, “This is it; you’ve made it to self-love”. Despite all that, finding self-love has been a game-changer manifested not only in the way that I talk to myself, but also in my relationships, my work, and my community. I am a firm believer that manifesting the life you want goes hand-in-hand with hard work. However, like Princess Tiana from Princess and the Frog, I’ve discovered that I’ve focused a little too much on the work. Here’s how my journey to self-love and gaining self-confidence actually led me to success in my relationships, at work, and in life generally.
Learning to Count My Blessings
At the lowest point in my adult life (which is the entire 2019), I often thought about what I would do if I had a magic lamp and got three wishes. I wished for an “amazing” body, a job where I don’t report to anyone but myself, and financial stability. For as long as I can remember, I have been working towards those three personal goals for my entire life. In 2019, I just felt exhausted from running as fast as I can without getting anywhere.
Then in 2020, when the world stopped running at a million miles per hour, I stopped running as well. It was actually in that moment of confusion and chaos with Covid-19 that I realized there were more important things in life than having an hourglass figure. I got to work from home, something that I thrived at doing. And for the first time, I was starting to see my mountain of debt decrease significantly.
None of those things led me to self-love or confidence, but I did start to realize I had more blessings than I realized. I was healthy, wasn’t I? I wasn’t out of work either. And surprisingly, bodyweight only workouts were actually very beneficial for my health.
Rather than demanding to receive, I started to figure out how to use what I already had to my advantage.
I planned out ways I can uplevel my content creation and create a brand. I worked on educating my body to crave less junk food and want more healthy food, and I opened up to those around me about how difficult my debt was. Suddenly, I felt like I was receiving love from all ends of the spectrum in my life.
For most of my life, I had only felt unconditional support from my aunt. My mom, in all her glory, showed support and love for me in ways I didn’t understand as a child. For as long as I can remember, my love language has been words of affection, and my mom’s words were typically anything other than affectionate. My mom showed her support in other ways that I understood only as an adult. My dad doesn’t even need to be mentioned; his toxicity was why I hated myself for most of my life. That’s why when my aunt passed away in 2019, I felt anchorless and adrift.
To suddenly be overwhelmed with love and support from everyone around me (my online community, people in my personal life) opened my eyes to just how loved I am. Realizing how many blessings I was given opened my eyes to the endless possibilities in front of me.
I used the love and support I received as motivation to work even harder on my goals. That encouragement helped me build the foundation of Reinventing Sustainability and led me to publish my own book.
Untangling My Self-Worth from the Outside World
The thing with trying to work as hard as you can is that you will burn out. I learned that lesson the hard way (frankly, I’m still re-learning that lesson even today). Near the end of 2020, I was starting to feel angry at the universe again. I had worked so hard, and for what? Overnight success didn’t come, as they rarely do.
Then, I started journaling. It was something that many creators and entrepreneurs had talked about, but listening to The Skinny Confidential Him and Her Podcast had really convinced me. My first journal entry was September 26, 2020. This is what I wrote, word for word.
“I know what my dream is. I can see the future and the world that I want to build.
Yet I have so much holding me back.
Last year, I wanted to work on consistency. I wanted to overcome my on laziness, which is my own enemy. Oh, I have come so far since last year when I told myself that I was my biggest enemy.
This year, I want to let go of fear.
I want to let go of my limiting beliefs telling me that I can’t do I, or that there are more important things. No money, location, connections or ridicule can ever hold me back.”
Something sparked in me that day when I started journaling, even if I didn’t realize. Slowly, everyday, I started writing a little more and started truly manifesting. Here’s what my journal entries started to loo like.
November 24, 2020: I have no idea how my book will be received, but one thing I do know is that I am so proud of the work I’ve done. I know it will be worth it.
February 24, 2021: My journey taught me all that I needed to know. The life I dream is not far away.
April 19, 2021: Nothing can keep me down. Nothing will stop me from reaching my goals and dreams. I will rise up and be better than anyone would have guessed.
What had changed was that I started to find self-love in myself.
Having that first honest conversation with myself about the things I am scared of and the things I want to work on helped me find clarity and strength through myself.
One of my all-time favorite Disney songs, from the Frozen 2 soundtrack, is Show Yourself because one line in particular spoke to me on such a deep level: “YOU ARE THE ONE YOU ARE WAITING FOR.” It became my motto, and I put it on the outside of my memory planner, so I’d look at it every day and remember. Rather than relying on other people to tell me what a great job I was doing, I started discovering how to find that strength inwards.
The discovery that I was stronger than I realized propelled me forward to self-love. Self-love for me meant discovering that I was good enough, that I was loved, and that even if I wasn’t, I had the strength to get it done myself.
Finding that confidence looks very different to everyone.
Self-love or confidence also means something very different to everyone. We are all going on our own unique journeys that shouldn’t be compared to others. However, what I think all journeys have in common is realizing that we are inherently given so much blessings and skills, that there are others out there who will support us, and that despite all the challenges, we will get there.
Whatever “there” or “success” looks like is individual; for me, success looks like not needing to rely on others for my self-worth.
It looks like knowing my destination, finding my path to get there, and working and manifesting every day to get me closer and closer. Kobe Bryant, in his speech at his jersey retirement ceremony, said this:
“You guys know that if you do the work, you work hard enough, dreams come true. You know that; we all know that.
But hopefully what you get from tonight is that those times when you get up early and you work hard; those times when you stay up late and you work hard; those times when don’t feel like working — you’re too tired, you don’t want to push yourself — but you do it anyway.
That is actually the dream. That’s the dream. It’s not the destination, it’s the journey.
And if you guys can understand that, what you’ll see happen is that you won’t accomplish your dreams, your dreams won’t come true, something greater will.”
To love the journey, to love the grind towards the destination has become my definition of success.
Too many of us are stuck in a job or a life that we don’t love. We wake up and do the same things over and over again that give us no fulfillment. I have realized that even if I am a millionaire and a household-name, if I don’t love the grind and my journey, then it’s not success. Finding self-love has helped me grab hold of the many chances given to me to change my life. Rather than sit back and complain about how much I hate my job, I want to work towards getting myself out of the corporate life. Rather than getting mad with envy and jealousy over some model’s perfect body, I want to work towards being the healthiest version of myself and loving what my body does for me every day.
In the end, I am in charge of my life. If I want to see the three wishes I had for the magic lamp come true, then I had to work at it and make it happen. But that work is fueled by self-love and confidence.
What is your definition of success and self-love?
Leave your thoughts down below or leave a comment or DM on my Instagram and let’s chat more about this and support each other towards success!
